The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
