Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
