she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
