So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
