Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
