so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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