Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
