I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
