I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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