I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
