So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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