I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
