does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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