I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
