i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
