Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
