So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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