Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
