Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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