Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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