My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
