Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
