dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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