Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
