i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize