There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
