I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Randomize
