You're my little dorito
this beer tastes like vomit already
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
