So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
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