More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
