Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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