i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
