I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
