david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
