You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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