Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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