she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
