Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
you will always have a special place in my vag
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
