I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
