I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize