remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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