Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The best revenge is premature balding
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
