I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize