I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
