I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
3 2 1 whiskey
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
