Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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