I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
