I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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