Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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