then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
