6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
