Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
