Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
