i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
