can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
