So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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