I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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