I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
