like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
