I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
