Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
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