you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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