Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
