I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Rumble strips road head = magical
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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